Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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