you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
