Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
