Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
