I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just had sex on a roof
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
