I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
