I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
