i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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