did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
