If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
