i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Someone shattered a urinal.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
