He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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