I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
