it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
