i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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