I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Randomize
