I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
