When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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