I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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