He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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