Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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