we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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