I just pynch a tree in the face
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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