I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
