he wants to bone in the snuggie
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
