why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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