Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
