I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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