just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
