i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
