Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
