I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
