Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
