so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
