sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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