My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
dude. I can hear the air.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
