I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
