Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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