Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
