I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
