My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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