Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
