i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
His nipple licking is glorious
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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