he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
