i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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