i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
