I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
