I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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