sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
