My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
