I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
