All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
