i love accidental penises.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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