Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
