Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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