considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
